Ok I'm Ready To Talk About It
I honestly thought that having a 5th child would be easy breezy, LOL! l I have four already, so what's one more? Silly me, the lies I was telling myself! When Journee first came home, I was okay for the first three days. Needless to say it was only because Thomas was home. It seem like after he went back to work everything went down hill. My emotions were up and down. I was happy one minute and crying every two seconds. I felt depressed, sad, confused and happy all in the same minute! I did not understand what was happening or how was I going to get everything done. The emotional roll-a-coaster scared me and I worried about my health. I started finding myself slowly drifting to a dark place, a place I didn't want to be in, Postpartum Depression. I went through this type of depression one other time, when I had Marshaun. But with Marshaun, it wasn't as bad as it was with Journee. I honestly thought it was worse with her because of everything I had just went through at the hospital and then other personal things that had me completely stressed out. In my heart I was so happy and excited that I finally had a daughter, yet in my mind I was miserable and tired. It broke my heart that all I could do is look at her and cry. I was so tired. I hadn't had a good nights sleep in days and between the baby and the boys I was overwhelmed. I was so ashamed and I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy because this was one of the most happiest times of my life but, since I was so tired and overwhelmed, I didn't know how to show it. Kingston questioned my love for him. Zech begin acting rebellious, MarShaun was whining more then normal, Rico was the only one acting like himself. Even the dog look depressed! I felt my whole house was falling apart! I did not know what to do, I am so use to having it all together.
My husband is the emotional one in the relationship, not me. I have never been a overly sensitive person and I really had not experienced intense, scared, crying emotions. But now I have. I have to say I am well versed on what it means to go through confusion and the feeling of being overwhelmed. Not that these are normal everyday mom emotions, but I know I can say I have been through a lot therefore, I know I can get through this. This will make me stronger and become part of my testimony. If I learned one thing from all these emotions, I know this, this is not me! I am a GREAT mom! Just by caring enough to want to be a GREAT mom!
Some people do not really understand the adjustment it is when you have a baby. They do not understand the toll it can take on a woman and her body. I was unhappy about everything, everything upset me, everything made me mad, everything made me cry, everything made me sad, everything made me question everything in my life! Things were getting way to overwhelming for me so, I decided to call my doctor. I went and spoke with my physician about what I was going through and she gave me a list of counselors to talk with. She suggested that I be put on medication but that was something I did not want to do. Thankfully, I have an amazing support system with my husband and family. They were the only ones that were helping me get through this. I felt like with prayer and talking to close friends and family, I could get through it. One thing I know is that GOD is a healer and a deliver! So, I did a lot of praying. This is what I felt was good enough for me. Please if your having postpartum depression do what's best for you. I am writing to let other moms know, if you are feeling any of these things, it's not you! IT YOUR HORMONES, they are off balance making you very emotional! POSTPARTUM is a real condition that you must address! To all the moms that have this condition or have had this too, it will pass! I am going on 4 months today of not feeling depressed! Believe me, every single day is a battle. Yes, there are some good days, but most days I’m just asking and praying to be the person I was. LORD make me myself again!
I put a list below from a blog I have read for you to read. Tell yourself these things and believe them. You are strong every single day, by getting through every single day. You may have postpartum depression but, you will be yourself again!
I’m doing the best I can.
This is going to take a long time, whether or not I try to speed it up.
I must take one day at a time.
I cannot expect too much from myself right now.
It is okay to make mistakes.
There will be good days and bad days.
It is okay for me to have negative feelings.
If I fight having these feelings, it might take longer to feel better.
Even though I feel so bad, just getting through the day is proof of my strength.
I can be proud of how much I have accomplished when I get through the day feeling this bad.
I know that some of the pain I am feeling right now is part of the recovery process.
Today, when I am feeling bad, I know that I will not feel bad all of the time.
This is just a bad day. I will get through this day the best I can.
I will try to rest. I will pamper myself a bit. I will treat myself well because I deserve it. And I will wait this out.
Some of what I am feeling is just like what other mothers feel.
Not all of my bad feelings are symptoms of PPD.
All mothers of new babies feel tired, irritable, or stressed at times.
It’s okay that not everyone understands what I am going through.
will feel like myself again.