The Confessions of an Imperfect Mother
Not a perfect mom but an enough mom.
A lot of the time, people say that I am such an amazing mom! A mom with vision, direction and goals. I am so grateful for all the really wonderful things that people say about me. But, I want to be real transparent for a minute and tell you how I got to where I am today. Trust me, I have not always been the perfect mother and I am still working on getting better daily! I am still a work in progress. I yell, scream, fuss all the time and I have to catch myself. Yet, I am so proud of myself for all the changes that I have made over the years.
I had Rico at the age of 18. Eighteen is very young age. At that time, I was so in love with his father nothing else mattered. I did not party or do much of anything because all I wanted was to always be with him. I remained that way until Rico turned two. That is when his father and I broke up. After that, I started dating a drug dealer/gang member and I found myself around all the things my mother warned me to stay away from. I always had to look over my shoulder. He would have people following me or I would find myself in the midst of shootouts or fights. All I could ask myself is how did I get to this point! After two years, he went to jail and I never saw him again. It is amazing how when you do not have the strength to get rid of the things that are bad or negative in your life and God has his hand on you, He will remove it! Today, my heart is filled with gratitude. Thank you Lord! But, I still had not learned my lesson because soon after, I had Zechariah and I felt like I did not get to enjoy being young. I was so frustrated with my life. So, I start seeking God and it was around this time I gave my life to God and joined the dance ministry. Yet, I was going to church faithfully but still feeling so though I had missed out on so much.
I started working at a bar and that was all it took for me to go further down hill. I loved working there because all drinks were free and free partying all night long! People would ask me that ultimate question," Where are your kids?" And I would give them that look and say boldly, "They are where they belong, with my mom and Zechs Godmother." SMH I would be out all night! Sometimes drinking then leave and go somewhere to fall asleep. My phone would die and my mother would be looking for me because my kids had to be at school that morning and she had to be at work. I would be so drunk and high driving not knowing how I even made it to certain destinations. I was one LOST SOUL. But God still had his hand on me. I was in the church but I was lost as ever. I would not even get adequate sleep but I would dance at church continuously for one hour without rest. I was completely out of control falling out every Sunday because I knew I needed to get my life in order. Yet, I was fighting God all the way. I knew my mother and First Lady was praying for me and other close people in my life. I believe that is the only thing that made me turn. There is POWER in PRAYER.
I really don't remember exactly when I changed my life, I just know I had four kids and it was time to grow up. When I was coming up, my parents would do so much with me and my sister. Every weekend we had family time and I remember my dad taking me to Toys R Us every Friday to pick a toy and then we would go get ice cream. It is the little moments like that' as a child, you don't ever forget. So, I told myself once I was in the right situation to be able to do for my children as my parents did, then I would do it with no excuses. Last year I got my new job and I committed from that day forward that I would take my boys on a trip every year. I didn't want them to be the kids who never been out of the Atlanta area or never seen a beach or never flown on a plane. Some people go their entire life in a box and never get to experience anything but their neighborhood or the city that they have lived in since birth. My parents taught us the importance of doing things for and with your children and living beyond your neighborhood. We always lived beyond our boundaries because my parents wanted us to know the importance of learning different cultures. It expanded our awareness and introduced us to greater diversity. It also provided learning and education about places and history and I want the same for my boys!
The struggle is real at times but all I ever want and all I live for and work for each and everyday is to see smiles on my boys faces. I don't ever want them to be able to say anything bad about me. I want them to remember me as the amazing mother that I am. I make a lot of sacrifice's and I completely stop hanging out at night. I have a few closed circle of friends and only go out to dinner with them to celebrate their birthday or a very special event. I have shut down many clubs in Atlanta but, there comes a time when all that gets old and you mature and you grow and start wanting better for your life. I would try and make myself go out and I would feel so out of place, so bored and ready to go as soon as I got there. The Night Clubs and every other thing else that is out in the world isn't going anywhere but, your kids you only have 18 years to really influence and touch their lives to teach them, to mold them, and that is what is most important to me!
I do what I can for my sons, from planning trips for them or having a little surprise around the house, or playing games, cooking with them or just talking. It brings me joy to see them happy. They are my life and God trusted me with them; therefore, I will never take them for granted and for that reason I will be the best mom I know how to be. We all may mess up. We all may want to give up at times. We may get confused and lose hope and faith. Yes, the journey gets complicated but you must put your trust in God. There is no perfect mother, no not one. We all can always work on improving ourselves. Our kids do not get the chance to pick who they want for their parents. But, we choose to have them and for that reason we should put forth the effort to be the best mothers that we can be. I like what my mother tells me,"It is only for a season and they will all be off to college and you will have your free time again. So, while you have them enjoy them and give them your best. LOVE THEM WHOLEHEARTEDLY! They are your gift from God."
So, to all my amazing mommas out there, hold on enjoy the ride because they don't stay young forever! Remember there is no way to be a prefect mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills, abilities and certainly different children.
What matters is that we LOVE our children deeply!