The Seasons Of Divorce
I would get a lot of messages and questions on how I made it through my divorce, but the truth is, social media has a why of making people look as if everything is alright and good. My divorce was the most difficult time of my life. It was one of the hardest faith test that I have faced. We never post the bad stuff that we going though, only the happy moments. The happy part is what we want people to remember us by. People would see my proud momma moments, all my sweet treats, me dancing at church and never see the hurt or the pain, the struggles, self doubt, the sleepless nights, the tribulations that brought me to my knees, and the cries out to God. It was a daily struggle for me to choose the right road and to keep my head up to pursue the higher levels, but I always knew that Gods plan for my life and my boys was much greater then I could ever visualize. I just had to trust His process.
I married at the age of 23. For some people age 23 is not that young but, now when I think back, 23 is really young. I was still not mentally and emotionally mature to handle such a huge responsibility. But, I was so in love with my ex-husband, you know how they say," You fall in love only 3 times." He was my second love and I just knew it was my last! We dated on and off for a while and became an official couple two years later. Six months after that, we were married! You get married and you don't think or question in your mind,"What if this doesn't work?" We said our vows, not once but twice! Two ceremonies, one at his mothers' house and one at our church. When I said my vows, I cherished and believed in them with all my heart. I truly believed that God gave me this man and I was going to be the best wife I could be. I just knew this marriage would work. In the beginning, everything was perfect. When we first got married, we were on cloud nine! Three weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with Marshaun. With my first two children, I did not married their father. So, I was super excited to be having a baby with my husband. Marshaun was born and not even a year later, I was pregnant with Kingston. I just knew my life was complete and we would live happily ever after! I had "The fairy Tale!" At least that's what I believed. Fairy tales are what we as little girls are condition by society to believe. We grow up, we marry a prince in shiny armor, who will rescue, protect, take care and keep us from all hurt, harm, and danger. It is what all little girls dream about! RIGHT?
No one warns us about the fairy tale not being true and that things can end in a bad way, or things may not workout. You don't prepare for those things, they just happen. I wasn't prepared, by any means, for what was about to happen in my life. I remember the day like it was yesterday. By now, you would think I would have forgotten it, but I haven't. Not because I have not healed and moved forward with my life, just the opposite. It is because of what I have learned from this situation that I remember. I knew what I deserved and I knew what God was calling me to become. We both were very active members in our church and I couldn't believe what was happening to my marriage. 5 years ago, it still plays in my head like it just happen. I was so disappointed in myself because I didn't want to tear my family apart. But, if I stayed, I knew I would destroy myself and everything that God had called me to be.
The day that I came to realized that my marriage was over, I felt my whole experience could be explained through the seasons. My mother would always say to me, "Remember life and the situations of life are all in seasons. You have to recognize the season. There are always signs to let us know when a season is coming to its end and a new season is about to start. So, get prepared for it! Also, remember to never get stuck in the season because seasons always pass or change. When you are in a terrible season, always remember it is only for a period of time, it too shall pass....." and I hated when she would tell me that but, it is so true. My mother always said, "Your life will not always be the same, life is constantly changing. In order to be successful in life you must learn to endure, adapt, adjust, make correction, be teachable, learn and prepare for the next. But, while you are in a season cherish it, see what God is trying to show you and tell you during that time. Make goals and have a written vision so, when you go to the next season you will be prepared."
Winter is dark and cold! That is all I could remember. My heart is cold, lonely, confused, hurt, drained, and lost. I was in a very bad place. A place called," denial." like this really can not be happening! But, it really is. The place where you know in a couple of days this will be over and we will be back together. I was just kidding myself, this was real and I was really getting a divorce. I asked myself so many questions, was I not good enough, was I not pretty enough, did I not love him enough, WHAT WAS IT?
I would stay up all night trying to figure out these questions.
(please do not ask yourself these questions)
My family would no longer be a family. I thought my boys would hate me for leaving their father. I had no idea how I was going to make it. I was a housewife, I had no job, no car, no money, I felt like I had nothing! I lost 25 pounds in a matter of weeks. I went from 120 to 95 pounds. I was so stress and sick. I wouldn't eat for days thinking and wondering what he was doing. I allow my feeling and my emotions to take control. There were Sundays I would dance and just fall out. There were days I would cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore. In spite of all that, the one thing I did do, was trust God! I knew that if I was going through this season, God would help me through it. All the while I was holding on to my trust and faith in God and His process, yet at the same time, I couldn't control my heart. I could not understand why this was happening to me. I went to church, we both were in the ministry! I prayed, we prayed, yet I was losing my family and I couldn't understand why. The thing is we may never understand the "why" and we spend too much time trying to figure it out. Sometimes the "why" is never answered. I had to get to a place were I no longer questioned why and start working on preparing for the season. I knew that one day this situation would be a testimony for millions of women who are going through the same exact thing. During this winter season, I was so angry. I missed everything thing that God was trying to do. I was so mad that I could not hear what God was trying to say to me. I did not look at my situation as God is taking me out of something because it was a negative or that one day this marriage would pull me further away from where God was leading me. My heart blinded me from seeing that. I was taking it as if I was losing my whole life. It is amazing how God sees your future when you can't. He will remove you from people or situations just to protect those that are His.
In the winter season friends and family are so important. My dear friend Tabitha was with me through this whole process. She stayed at my house for a week at a time, just to make sure I was okay. You need people in your life like that when your going through things. My mother and my sister were just as supportive. I am beyond thankful and grateful for my friends and family during my winter season.
I can see the light just a little bit.....I got a job soon after we separated and two amazing members from my church and my mother blessed me and my boys with a mini van. I see you God, that's all I could say! I see you working but, my heart still hurts. My heart is all I could think about. My heart hurt so bad. In the spring time is when the flowers start to bloom. Around this time, I could feel myself feeling a little better but, I was still broken and confused. We started to talk again. (Bargaining) He would stop by late at night. (Avoid those late night calls!) We all do it, is it right? No, but my excuse was," He's my husband!" That is not a good excuse at all. I was setting myself up just to get hurt all over again. I was doing okay but I wasn't strong enough to tell him no. Sleeping with someone will not make them love you, it will not make them change, it will not make them do right. It will simply confuse things and make things worse because there is still a lot of emotions, there are still wounds that are not healed. You begin to make wrong decision because the decisions you are making are only based on feelings and we all know feelings are fickle. They change with the moment. Without realizing it, I was opening the wounds that were almost closed. I opened them all back up again! There I was, back at square one! It is never a safe thing to do. You are just playing with your heart and setting yourself up for false hope. Once you know that it is over, do not open the door again. KEEP IT CLOSED! This is when your support group is so important. I had to find other things to take my mind off of him and our marriage. During my winter season, I had stopped Sweet Treats. But now it was the time to pick myself back up and start my business again. It was the best thing for me to do. I needed to get busy moving forward toward my next season.
It is the season of acceptance. You finally accept what is going on so you can move forward with your life. Although this is an extremely hard process, it is what's best. You can not move forward until you have accepted the fact that it is over. Once you do, you will begin to feel soooo much better. Why? Because it's the summer time and the sun is out and the darkness is slowly leaving! Days are BRIGHT and SUNNY, LOL! The past is the past. It's time to live in the present and get prepared, get moving and get yourself in order for your future. Here is what I learned:"Your life will be good again, you will laugh again, you will recover and heal. Best of all, you will get a good night sleep again!" You will stop being obsessed about where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, and where he is going? In the summer season, you start living again! Your peace comes back and you begin to have JOY and HAPPINESS. It took me a long time to get to the Summer reason and the place of acceptance. Why? Because you don't want to believe it is over, you really don't. But, you can not change what you do not accept. Healing comes when you reach the place of agreement. When something ends that means something new has to begin. It took a lot of praying, fasting and trusting God's plan and process to get to this stage . You have no desire to look back anymore or ask yourself what if? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
We are not doing that!
God brought you OUT so he could give you BETTER!
Fall in love with YOU .... I gained all my little weight back, LOL. Fall is the season that you shed away all the old to prepare for the new! It is a season of RELEASE! Old things die and are blown away. During this season, I became overjoyed with my life and where God was leading me. I finally had peace, I loved who I was and the person I was becoming. In the Fall season I was happier than I ever been in my life. I became stronger now, strong enough to forgive and move forward. My Pastor stated that God had told him to tell the congregation to FORGIVE. I did it without hesitation. I was obedient to what God said. I had to forgive my ex 10 times, for 10 days in a row and God told me he would release me from the hurt and resentment towards him. God is so awesome, on the 10th day I was at church, and I danced my heart out. While I was dancing, I could feel my release, my deliverance! Everything that I held inside was stripped away. It all fall at the altar and that is where I left all the pain, hurt and resentment. I never thought I would get to the point where I could be his friend, where we could be amazing co-parents, where we could have a descent conversation, God heals! I am so happy for him and I pray that he is happy for me as well. It was only by my faith and trust in God that I could get to my Fall season. This whole experience has made me a stronger woman in faith and knowing exactly who I am. If you are facing tough times, I encourage you to read this verse and repeat it everyday.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
You will get through any bad situation, even when you don't see how you are going to make it. When you put your trust in God and you put your life in his hands. He will give you all the strength you need to get through any season, Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall!